The last couple weeks have been weeks full of changes for me, some of them okay some of them bad. I’ve gotten news I never thought I’d hear in my life, and am now facing trials I would have never thought I’d go through alone, but it turns out I will be. And the worst part is it is my fault, entirely.
Two weeks ago I started to be around people again a lot more than I had been in months and to watch them and felt so bad about myself and my actions toward someone else in my life and all I anted to do was talk to them about, all I had to do was to say something to them and to actually be the bigger person I am and have always been capable of being. Instead I withdrew in myself and felt bad about myself and my actions alone, and continued an uphill battle with health issues I’ve had going on for several months. A battle I should never have even been fighting alone, but I was, and why was I? Because once again I didn’t say something.
I was afraid for all the wrong reasons.
People grow up shaped by the people and the environments they are in, and they develop habits based on those environments; in mine whenever something went wrong people weren’t upset with you or encouraging, they were angry. I always expect that reaction from someone when something is wrong and it makes me never want to admit when something is, whether it is something so simple as I’m struggling with some homework or that I have to go in for a surgery to fix something. Because I expect anger, and rejection from people, I wish I could say things like this are something you can easily change, and be optimistic about but they really aren’t the only way to change them is to become less afraid of them by doing them and not experiencing that reaction from people. I didn’t do this I’ve kept everything to myself and now feel more alone than I have in my life.
I’ve treated someone I loved entirely with so much disrespect, anger, and irrational behavior…when all I had to do was say something.
I’ve pushed them away, belittled them, hurt them, and hurt myself in doing so; because every time I hurt them and saw it it hurt me too, it tore me apart inside and all I wanted to do in my last moments in person with them was to tell them how badly I felt and how sorry I was and all I did was sit there in physical and emotional pain, hiding everything inside. Because this person hurt me once, and I had been holding onto that pain as a way to keep myself distanced from them and “safe” from them causing me anymore pain. Holding onto that pain though and causing them the pain I cause them; only served to keep our wounds open though and instead of us becoming the close people we had been we always had this thing between us this pressure in the air to be someone or something we were not for no reason. Everything just had to be let go, and it took me feeling all of this to let it go. Too late, I let it go about the last few days they spent here and I felt at peace and happy. We spent our last day mainly laying in bed as I was in pain and didn’t want to admit it, and he assumed I was sad; but it was still perfect we held one another we caressed each other, and we were at peace in those moments. Those moments for me are what made everything else melt away for a while, this moment when he rolled himself up against me and held me he whispered in my ear, “I love you. It’ll be fine” That is when I finally let it go, that is what it took for me after one year and five months to feel completely safe again. Because that is the first time in a long time that he had told me we would be fine and everything would be okay, I wasn’t the one saying it to myself or him, I wasn’t the one being strong and managing everything; in that moment he had earned every bit of respect I had not shown him. I started crying too, and he pulled me close telling me not to cry it was okay, I’m not even sure he understood that they were tears of pain and joy all at once. I’m not sure he understands anything anymore, because I never said anything.
I have spent most of my adult life telling myself no one can ever love me and I can never be good enough for someone, because I’m always a failure and I hide my emotions and even my successes out of this misguided fear of the wrong reaction. All I’ve ever needed is someone to tell me that we could be fine and we could make it and do this and he did, and I should have told him everything in that moment and let him be the strong one he could be, but I wanted to wait and not tinge that memory with sadness.
Then he left and things changed, I felt terrified of losing people over what is going on with my body; of losing everyone and everything because of bad genetics, horrible coding in my DNA, it runs in the family, my Mother survived it, my grandmother had it; it’s faulty wiring. I should be strong enough to fix my circuits and go through this without being afraid and alone, and I was so weak that I let someone feel like shit rather than admitting that the person who felt like shit and who deserved to feel that way was myself. I tried like a teenaged to make myself feel better, by making someone else feel worse for things they had done in the past, something they never deserved something no one ever deserves. I knew this days after they left and knew that I needed to say something, that I wanted to because I do love them with every fiber of my being as much as I love my own daughter. And I knew they didn’t feel that right now, and that they couldn’t see that; and that is on myself.
In the coming week I hope to say something and to speak up, they need to know what is going on and we need to breathe in be those people from that moment together filled with love, strength, and renewed joy in one another. We need to be the people who build a life together based on building one another up the way you have for me, and not tearing one another down ever. We can and we will, but first I have to get the strength to say something. I am fighting my genetics, and my flawed coding, and you will stand by me and fight; and I will stand by you and be the person you deserve not the person who was hurt and buried themselves in the pain to keep from feeling anything real. You deserve the world, and I want to give that to you. I love you.
So for anyone else out there, keeping anything nside or waiting for a moment or some sign, don’t wait. There is no reason to wait and if you wait you can be too late to save yourself, or others, or even something wonderful. Say Something.